Woman Blames Democrat Grandma & Grandpa For Making Her Do it

Karen “Tim” O’Leary, the female spectator believed responsible for Saturday’s horrific crash at the Tour de France, has reportedly been granted asylum at former president Turdwaffle’s Mar A Lago estate after she swore on a stack of his autographed Bibles that she had nothing to do “with that unfortunate fake incident,” & promised to vouch for his claims that the 2020 election was stolen from America’s favorite president by antifa and Black Lives Matter with assistance from the French resistance jamming radio signals from Dominion voting machines with strips of aluminum foil. 

More than 300 cyclists & spectators were killed & thousands more injured in the accident, with several tens of thousands of names currently listed on the registry of those missing & presumed dead.

While authorities will neither confirm nor deny these reports, Cassandra Widdershins is willing to stake her considerable reputation that she has identified the correct name of the suspect in the worst vehicular accident since the 1987 collision in Addis Ababa, caused when the driver of an oxen-powered famine-relief cart swerved to avoid a life-sized dummy tossed from an overpass by vandals onto one of Ethiopia’s busiest thoroughfares. The official death toll in that catastrophe stands at 1,342,682, although many believe hundreds of thousands of missing are still buried beneath a pile of twisted wood and straw in that Central African nation.

Ms. O’Leary is a fervent America First proponent with a huge collection of Turdwaffle paraphernalia, much of it signed by the former Führer-in-waiting himself. Her parents, Timothy & Sweet Vagina, are avid antifa socialists who dared their insane daughter to do something that proved her life amounted to something, which is why Karen held up her “Oh, Come On, Grannie & Grandpop!” sign as a way to get rise of out them.

No one was contacted to verify the veracity of this account, because that’s how we roll here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat.