Trump Hints at Withdrawal From Louisiana Purchase

From Stiff and Wired Reporters
Portland Pataphysical News Service
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HOUSTON (PPNS) — During a mission of mercy to aid those displaced and devastated by flooding from Hurricane Harvey, a surprisingly presidential Donald Trump on Saturday told his private army of fake journalists that he wasn’t complaining about their coverage of the size of crowds who turn out to moon him wherever he goes.

“I’m not here to dwell on the past. I’m here to help these people have a good time. Let’s look on the bright side. Look at the size of this crowd. They could be moping at home, but they turned out to see my visit. Aren’t they fantastic?” the faux goose-down Comforter in Chief cajoled the assembled press whores. 

“Believe me,” the First Mobster continued, "This hurricane was a once in a millennial kind of event — I love the millennials, the young people, you know who I mean, and they love me, because I’m all about love — but don’t get me started on that bad deal with France we made to buy Louisiana, not today, because I’m this close to saying no to the whole she-bang. This close,” he frowned, shaking his blonde mane ever so slightly and holding up the thumb and index finger on his right hand as if he were rolling a presidential booger.

Some casual observers were stunned as America’s greatest president in history deftly pivoted from discussing the scope of the continuing natural disaster on the Gulf Coast to threatening to invalidate a transaction completed in 1803 that added more than 828,000 acres to the United States for a mere $15 million in cash and debt forgiveness by France, for less than $18 an acre.

The president brushed off criticism that Air Force One had accidentally landed on a small airstrip in Ding Dong, outside Killeen, Texas, several hundred miles from Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church where he and First Lady Melania were set to deliver crayons and coloring books to their Christian supporters.

Instead, the president, who in recent weeks has been plagued by low ratings and intense criticism from his own party, largely ignored flooding of biblical proportions and focused instead on his reputation as a deal maker, arguing that it was “time to take a good look at these so-called deals previous administrations have made with taxpayer money, many of which, I might add, are pretty egregious, you like that word? Egregious. That’s what I think of these egregious deals, and we’re gonna negotiate better ones.”

The president went on to argue that the current devastation of Houston proves his point. 

“Look at this mess,” Trump said, waving his arms as he stood on the steps of Air Force One, “Would you pay $15 million for a dump like this?”

“But sir,” interrupted Woodrow Guthrie, a disabled reporter for CCN, “Texas wasn’t part of the Louisiana Purchase. In fact, only half of Louisiana was even…”

“Get him out of here,” Trump demanded. “Get him the hell out!” as Secret Service wrestled the reporter to the ground and dragged him away to a waiting shipping container, as Stephen Miller, the president’s most trusted expert on American history, handed the alleged leader of the free world a small stack of index cards.

“And there are other deals that were just as bad,” Trump shouted, as reporters chanted: “Tell us more! Tell us more!”

Trump waited for the cheering to subside before reading a list of treaties and real estate transactions with Japan, Germany, Spain, England, Mexico, Denmark, the Republics of Texas and Hawaii, and Russia, all of whom had ceded territory to the U.S.

“Now that we’re finished getting rid all of Obama’s bad deals — believe me, we’re not done with Obamacare yet. It’ll be dead before you smell it — it’s time to get back to work making American great again. Have you looked at these deals? These were some very, very bad deals. Believe me. Mucho bad. And the American people elected me to get them the best deals, to save them money, to drain the swamp, to lock her up, and that’s what I’m going to do. So you let everyone out there know that America is no longer going to be the world’s whipping boy. From now on, it’s America First, Last, and everything’s on the table."

Trump went on to blast Democrats for obstructing his efforts to renegotiate America’s borders, arguing that the Louisiana Purchase price “was too damn high.” The purchase concluded by Thomas Jefferson in 1803 added more than 828,000 acres to the United States for a $15 million in cash and debt forgiveness by France, or “1000 times an acre more than it was worth,” according to Trump.

Critics of Trump’s plan to revisit every treaty since the 1800's note that it would remove the majority of his most ardent supporters from voter rolls and leave many of the most valuable areas of the country under foreign control.

Trump made his remarks to reporters a day after he spoke with South Korean President Moon Jae-in, asking him to intervene in his ongoing dispute with French President Emmanuel Macron who crushed several small bones in Trump’s right hand during a marathon handshaking session earlier this summer that ended with the U.S. president seeking medical attention.

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