UNCOMMON SENSE

By Tia Eminem Squires

Political Hack Groupie

Pataphysical Metafizzical Syrupice 

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MOMMEE, Ohio (PMS) - President Bush has an even harder case to make about his compassionate conservative agenda in Ohio after his Cadillac Escalade plowed through a crowd of unemployed manufacturing workers, killing four and injuring dozens. Voters in this blue-collar welfare state recently passed new legislation outlawing dumpster diving, virtually eliminating the only job creation in the U.S. economy over the past three years that did not involve preemptive military intervention.

Bush was not sited by Mommee police in the incident, and the president placed blame for the deaths and injuries on the protestors, whom he said “always seem to be making the same mistakes. That’s why I’m president and they’re not.”

"Manufacturing communities have been especially hard-hit," Bush told police investigator at the scene. "There are workers who are concerned about their jobs. I understand that. I understand that. But these people don’t have jobs or else they wouldn’t be protesting where any old bus might run them over. Our economy is in a time of transition and if you're the one going through transition, it's not an enjoyable experience, but that's why I'm here, to tell you the worst may be over." 

At three other stops in Ohio, Bush promised to obey the speed limit and yield the right of way to legitimate pedestrians, but he drew the line at negotiating with terrorists and liberals. Bush condemned the protestor’s tactic of using innocent bystanders as human shields, making it difficult for his Mexican drivers to determine whom to avoid running over at Interstate commerce speeds.

The Bush campaign has had paramilitary and intelligence employees in Ohio trying to kill or capture remnants of the Dan Rostenkowki Riparian Army, a splinter group of the Symbionese Liberation conservation Corps, who have vowed to get registered Democrats to the polls in November. The Bush camp sees any vote against them to be an act of treason, making opposition voters enemy combatants under the Patriot Act and subject to prison interrogation at Guantanamo or Al Graibhass, just outside beautiful downtown Baghdad.

So far the Bush reelection campaign war on humanity has recruited 24,000 civilian contractors and conducted 33 light artillery training sessions for 3,000 of them, according to Gustav Herder Schumann, a campaign commandant. Of the 5,200 “ anzer parties for the president” held across the nation last Thursday to bolster support, 453 were held in Ohio where members received brown tee-shirts with the bold new Bush slogan: I’m Not Just With Stupid. I Am Sufficiently Stupid Myself!”