Umatilla Deputies Accused Of Cockfighting

Willie S. Burroughs, Nova Express Editor

The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic

July 5, 2001 12:59AM

HERMITCRAB (YUYNE1) — Umatilla County Sheriff’s deputies apparently apprehended themselves at a popular cock-fighting parlor located in the basement of the Ethical Suicide Parlor around the corner from an abandoned Howard Johnson’s restaurant once owned by Winston Niles Rumfoord.

Approximately 30 officers, some attempting to cover their tumescent weapons with flak jackets recently purchased through Federal block grants, were videotaped by an anarchist film study group as a noisy throng of tabloid reporters approached.

Most of the battling beef sticks escaped, according to Deputy Harry Peter Preston, but some deputies arrested themselves and cited the suicide parlor's owner for failure to yield.

A nearby housewife and recent divorcee, Marilyn Monvoria, was held for questioning in connection with an outstanding charge of encouraging heated erectile discussion, Persson said.

Cited for suspicion of involvement in and the promotion of cock-fighting were Deputies Garcia Casteneda-Lorca, Thomas Pynchon, and Vincent Nunez Vega, all of Hermitcrab; Lt. Freddy Krueger of Kennewick; Sgt. Alvin York of Fossil, and Pope George Ringo of Vatican City, Rome, who was vacationing at the Hell's Canyon Wilderness Area with two mothers superior whose names are being withheld pending notification of next of kin.