Highly Volatile Vaginal Essential Oils Result In Rebranding Effort

A lawsuit filed in Texas by someone who allegedly was originally from Florida indicates Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop lifestyle company has been sued for 5 quadrohexaquotillion dollars after one of their “This Thing Smells Just Like My Vagina” candles exploded in Austin, filling a room whose location you would recognize in a minute with clitorral vapors. Casualties have not yet been determined & officials will neither confirm or deny unbelievable reports that more than 30 people are missing & presumed dead.

This is not the first time one of Gwyneth’s allegedly lucrative paths to enlightenment has erupted in a paroxysm of new age devastation after having enticed otherwise frugal consumers to abandon decorum for the chance to breathe deep the gathering gloom in the privacy of one of their own five little rooms. It was, however, the first time that a renowned personal injury attorney was involved. After alledgedly inserting his tumescent tool into the secret door he first discovered on the #AltPaltrow Instagram channel at the base of the candle & climaxing, he watched in horror as the candle sending gouts of napalm-like vaginal cream sauce onto nearby bedsheets, igniting the entire residence, which was fully consumed in a matter of minutes.

Richard “Ipse” Dixit’s lawsuit claims that the “This Thing Smells Just Like My Vagina” candle encourages over-sexed users to engage in activities which can cause it to “explode or suffer catastrophic failure during the candle’s normal usage because of a design defect and/or manufacturing flaw” that anyone with a penis could have warned the owners about, had they been asked to participate in master beta testing, according to many expert witnesses willing to testify on penile matters behind closed doors.

Goop contends Dixit’s lawsuit is frivolous & it isn’t the company’s fault that a self-professed disciple of Phillip Roth’s Little Lord Portnoy Roy couldn’t bother to read the safety manual “included with all of our perfectly safe candles before engaging in unsafe behavior in an attempt to extort us for his own stupidity by sticking his dick where it ought not to be stuck.”

Rather than defend itself against the lawsuit, Goop has discontinued the “This Thing Smells Just Like My Vagina” candle & rebranded it as a patriotic novelty item in new packaging. It is now marketed at “The Grande Goop Crotch Rocket.”

It comes with instructions embossed all over the sides of the candle which read: “Do Not Point At Yourself When Igniting. Asshole!”