Claims Space Force Made Exploitation Safe Again

Doubling down on his July 12th claim that he made it possible for Virgin Galactic president Richard Branson & Amazon founder Jeff Bezos to engage in a friendly gentlemen’s space race, former failed führer & twice-impeachment bad precedent Donald J. Turdwaffle today blasted “Big Dick” Branson for not wiring thanks after his successful Sunday trip aboard Virgin’s Pulsar Penis Pod.

“It would have been nice if he bothered to thank my administration,” Turdwaffle continued. “Many people are telling me it was disrespectful of Big Dick — everybody calls him that, not just me, you can Google it — it was a big mistake not to congratulate me for all the hard work I did in make space great again.”

“We’re very proud of our accomplishments with the spaces and air stuff,” Mr. Turdwaffle said. “It was close to 75 years. It was the Air Force. And now we did Space Force, which Mike Spence was in charge of before he joined antifa on January 6, which is going to be so vital in protecting our billionaires from UFOs and illegal space aliens. And we not only did it. I mean, it’s up and running and really great,” he added. “Everyone was amazed because no one in history ever did this much before.”

“I made it possible for them to do this. I actually said to my people, who are the best people, the very best, everybody knows that: Let the private sector do it. These guys want to come in with billions of dollars we can use to make America business great again. Let’s lease them facilities because you need certain facilities to send up rockets, unless you want them to fall over, and we have those facilities,” the beleagured former most powerful man on Earth added, before complaining that Biden took away his nuclear codes.

“So I said, hey look, if Elon wants to stand up a rocket, let him do it. We’ll charge him some rent and put his people up at my hotel. Let him do it. Let all these guys — Baldy Bezos, Big Dick Branson, Lorne Michaels, Taylor Swift — let them all do it. And we’re seeing advancements now that I don’t believe we would have ever seen had we done it the old-fashioned way with just the Air Force. How could the Air Force protect them from illegal UFO attacks?” Mr. Turdwaffle rhetoricalized. “Without me, things could have been a lot worse. Remember what happened with the Challenger before we had the Space Force?”