I Intend To Remain NC’s Favorite Representative Until The Seat Is Pried From My Cold Dead Hands

Citing an endorsement from former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & russian ally Donald J. Turdwaffle, Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) yesterday launched a preemptive strike intended to keep him in office indefinitely as challenges to his fitness for office play out in the courts for the next quarter century.

“Since when is supporting an insurrection un-American?” the former Green Beret who turned down the Medal of Honor to run for office told an admiring crowd of open-carry advocates looking for guidance on how to Stop the Steal in 2024. “It’s right there in the Declaration of Independance, the preamble to our great Constitution, which contains our God-given right to bear arms and advice on not coveting the married lady next door.”

Thousands of voters in North Carolina have filed suit to bar Cawthorn from seeking reelection, accusing the blithering bombast of violated the 14th Amendment for having “ ncouraged, participated in, and now continues to defend inssurection or rebellion,” which Cawthorn dismisses as a a frivolous lawsuit based on an illegal amendment created by activist judges who promote white genocide. 

No one is quite sure how suing the elections board is an appropriate response to voters who consider the aspiring wheelchair paralympian to be an embarrassment to the state.