I Had No Internet, No Android, No Peloton, No Nothing

Claiming that “thugs and antifa have more rights than real Americans,” convicted insurrectionist Jenna “Bush League” Ryan announced yesterday that she was considering a lawsuit against the criminal justice system for discriminating against “the kind of people who once made this country great.”

Ryan, who flew in a private jet to help former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle’s attempt to stop uppity voters from throwing his fat soda-cracker ass out of the White House on January 6, refuses to accept that her fifteen minutes of fame are over.

“You won’t have Jenna Ryan to kick around anymore,” the real-estate MAGAt told reporters at a protest outside Dick’s Sporting Goods, where she was denied the opportunity to purchase a Browning Automatic Rifle because the company stopped selling weapons of mass destruction to help stop our nation of miserable fucks’ mass shooting pandemic, for which there is neither a telethon nor a cure.

Ryan says she’s recently received messages of encouragement from Repugnicunt Russian ally Vlad “The Impudent” Putin and the former disgraced president of Mar-a-Lago, who has promised to grant Ryan a presidential pardon and the Congressional Medal of Honor, “as soon as I am reinstated.”