I Use Rubber Stamps And Interns For That Stuff

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & pernicious political prick, Donald J. Turdwaffle today called the entire world “corrupt, unreliable, disloyal, and unpatriotic like you wouldn’t believe” in response to reports that law enforcement agencies have evidence of more than 76,231 documented crimes which bear Turdwaffle’s unmistakable Sharpie Scratch™ just from his last two months in the White House.

“These reports are fibrillated,” the rotund suspected felon fumed. “Why would I need to sign documents when I have employees who have signed non-disclosure agreements to do the hard work for me? You don’t get to make artful deals without breaking a few heads.”