How Am I Supposed To Make Any Money?

Citing extreme poverty brought on “by this constant harassment from the Democrats and the Deep State,” the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator told an ONAN reporter at his Doral golf course, “all options are on the table to ensure the return of my beautiful personal property. These are beautiful documents that were sent to me, not the National Archives. Can you believe it? Whoever heard of the National Archives?”

Turdwaffle insists that he didn’t take any salary during his four years in office on the understanding that he would be able to retain ownership of all documents and gifts he created or received while doing the nation’s golf work.

Sources close to the Reaganesque Ku Klux Klown say their father seems to be caught in a positive feedback loop certain to lead to catastrophic consequences too horrible to imagine, but they only spoke on background and “completely and totally off the record,” assuming we would name them prominently in this story. Fuck them.

They insisted that the government may have given “our favorite legitimate president in waiting no choice but to exert his executive power over imminent domain” to get the trove of memorabilia returned to him, including such highly desirable autocratic autographs as those from Vladimir “ he Impudent” Putin, Kim “Erica” Jong Un, Rodrigo “Hot Rod” Duterte, Mohammed “Dirty Sanchez” bin Salman, Mitch “Mutant Ninja” McConnell, and Jeffrey “Needs No Introduction” Epstein.

Meanwhile, investigators with the National Archives fanned out to Turdwaffle properties around the globe, searching for documents and gifts as yet unaccounted for, including two yachts, a prototype Air Force One, and the nuclear codes.

One surprising find at the Bedminister golf course in New Jersey was a $5,800 bottle of whiskey from Japan which was originally thought to have been given to then Secretary of State Mike “Eat Anything” Pompeo.

The pompeous windbag at first insisted he had never seen the bottle, although he later admitted to Mike Golden of YU News Service that he chugged the bottle during a WWE after-party. 

Although Turdwaffle claims he does not drink, more than a thousand gift bottles of expensive liquor were removed from the Bedminister club house bar, although, to be fair, all were unopened with unbroken tax seals from the Cayman Islands.