All They Had To Do Was Just This Little Favor

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and Earth’s favorite leadky conundrum, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle told his troops at CPAC last night that if he were still president, Ukraine would already belong to Russia.

“I made a deal with Vlad at Helsinki that I can’t really talk about,” the rotund meat puppet told the breathless crowd of R-Words from all around this nation of miserable fucks, “and all Ukraine did for me was get me impeached by antifa and the Democrats. I was all set to give them the greatest stuff, incredible stuff, the most advanced military stuff, but that clown Zelenskyy — you know he’s just a bad comedian, right? Got booed off the Masked Singer — he had the nerve to turn down a deal like you wouldn’t believe.

“I hope they’re satisfied with their clown, and don’t get me started on clowns. We have some of the biggest clowns in America, believe me. The only thing they know how to do is rig elections, but this Ukraine thing, maybe this will make them thing twice about trying to steal our elections ever again. We’ll see in November.”