We Don’t Have Climate Change In Florida, Gov Tells Hostages

Gov. Ron “Little Don” DeSantis (R-Word, FL) has ordered all insurance company executives who have refused to issue home owners’ policies in the state to be “hunted down and rounded up to face some real consequences for their heinous anti-Christian behavior.”

Many insurers have been ceasing operations in Florida, some Gulf Coast states, as well as the central Atlantic Coast as a result of recent studies suggesting that many of these areas will not be fit for human habitation in ten to twenty years and that governments should be encouraging citizens to leave vulnerable areas that will become indefensible to natural phenomenon in the coming decades.

“But what about all these people with 30 year mortgages?” DeSantis asked, during a public flogging of the scientific community, environmental activists, and the news media, “who’s going to tell them they would have been better off throwing their money down the toilet because then at least it could eventually become landfill to protect somebody else’s house high on a shining hill somewhere.”

DeSantis railed against predictions that Florida will lose more than 70 percent of its land mass currently above sea level at high tide before the end of the century. “We’ve got to stop this talk right now,” DeSantis shouted. “These numbers are just unacceptable. There’s no way on God’s green Earth that we could relocate all these very fine people in less than 80 years. We might as well just shoot the bunch of them. We’ve already got too many of these self-fulfilling pharacees.”

DeSantis pointed to recent polls that showed most Floridians who believe in God do not believe in human-caused climate change. On the other hand, they also believe that they should be able to insure their real and personal property at the same rates as before the insurance companies started believing in climate change. “We believe in Jesus Christ as our savior,” said one, “and we’re not putting up with these godless heathens anymore!”

They noted that Florida does not allow public employees to use terms like “global warming,” “climate change,” or “catastrophic weather patterns” in polite company or while on the job. DeSantis has issued several executive orders outlawing scientific inquiry and requiring that every day reality be considered inadmissable when discussing policy matters in our nation of miserable fucks.

That’s America in a nut shell: we won’t accept reality because of its liberal bias, but when reality finally bites, we want someone else to lose some fingers.