Complains That Rich Fucks Won’t Shoot Him Into Space For Free

Continuing his Keep Making America Great Again Again campaign to regain access to executive privilege through reinstatement as president, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & supreme scofflaw Donald J. Turdwaffle last night threatened to withhold his support for any candidate in 2022 or 2024 “unless I can Tweet it from the Oval Office.”

The nattering Nazi prattle on with a list of grievances against Muslims, Mexicans, liberals, antifa, Black Lives Matter, cancel culture, and space tourism, taking particular aim at his arch nemesis Jeff Bezos, owner of the Amazon Washington Post.

“If we don’t solve the Presidential Election Fraud of 2020 (which we have thoroughly and conclusively documented on Fox News, Sinclair, and Parler), Republicans will not be voting in ’22 or 24,” the aggrieved ousted charleton wrote, “It is the single most important thing for Republicans to do if they ever hope to see their favorite president signing great executive orders to preserve the great heritage of our monuments. It’s called respect. We demand respect.”
Turdwaffle then pivoted to the Blue Origin flight scheduled to make William Shatner the oldest human in space, whining that he would have been a better candidate for the flight than the fictional Captain Kirk, whom he described as “ rossly out of shape. He needs to watch his diet.”

“Can you believe it?” he huffed,  “They chose William Shakespeare. The guy played Captain Kurtz on Starmarts, a fictional place if you ever heard one, while I created the Space Force, a real thing that protects you & all of America, even the liberals & antifa, the feminists, the LGBTBBQ, out great seniors, the environment, I’m big on environmental, from the worst kind of illegal aliens you might ever see.

Democrats greeted the announcement with a mix of laughter, colonic distress.

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