Big Birds Shit On Hand That Freed Them

In a move certain to infuriate Mr. Pillow Mike Lindell & the former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator, President Biden this morning pardoned two turkeys, named Donald & Donald Junior, at the annual pardoning of the turkeys ceremony, the first of his presidency.

Despite ongoing threats of domestic violence by Repugnicunt dead-enders who worship someone named Brandon, the Biden administration chose to pause during the ceremony to “remind us how from the relentless darkness of the past four or five years, there’s still light and hope and progress and…that’s what this year’s Thanksgiving, in my view, represents.”

Biden said the competition among turkeys for this year’s presidential pardons “was unbelievable. As my predecessor the former crook might have said “No one has ever seen so many requests for pardons ever before in all of American history going back to the War of Northern Aggression.

“Eventually, Donald and Donald Junior were selected based on their temperament, appearance and, I suspect, offensive body odor,” the President joked. “Yes, instead of getting basted, these two turkeys are getting booted.”

Following the ceremony, the two turkeys shat in unison, spraying everyone near the podium, before announcing their intention to visit Disneyland before returning home to Purdue University’s Mike Pence Animal Sciences Education and Research Farm.