Paladin Protective Services Tracks Down Bad Parents To Make America Great Again

Acquitted Kenosha Killer Kylie Rittenhouse’s Paladin Protective Services was instrumental in the capture of Dick and Jehn Crumbley, parents of accused school shooter 14-year-old Ethan Frome Crumbley, according to Matt “He’ll Eat Anything” Gaetz & Lorena “Koch Teaser” Boebert, who are in a pitched battle with Ted “Cancun” Cruz & Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn on who gets to claim the young MAGA sharpshooter as their personal intern on Capitol Hill.

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & pissaholic Donald J. Turdwaffle condemned the apprehension of the Crumbleys as an attack on American family values by “the woke crowd who will do anything to thwart the will of our great majority,” & promised to pardon the entire family “as soon as I am reinstated.”

He also expressed disappointment at Rittenhouse for failing to live up “to his committment to our cause.”

We briefly considered attempting to contact the former failed führer to determine what cause he was nattering about, but we decided to take a long, satisfisying shit instead.