How To Eat Alt White

Originally published by drfaustroll under Pataphysics, Phood, phoolishness, and phrivolity February 22, 2009

It has been brought to my attention by several readers that I have not offered much help to fledgling pataphysique admirers who want to remain svelte and healthy as they pursue alternative realities on our planet of miserable phucks. So let me blog briefly about a meat sometimes referred to as pollo del arbol or chicken of the trees.

I love eating as much as the average NOMPH™ glutton, although I much prefer drinking. God, after all, will one day arrive on Earth to separate the good from the evil and the only measure She will rely upon in determining who will be saved and who will remain behind with the Bush family is having gone to war with water and achieved maximum blood alcohol content.

If you allow any water to enter your body that is not ingested incidentally to the consumption of meat, vegetables, fruits, and alcoholic beverages, you will be forsaken when the pataphysical rupture arrives, and She who must by obeyed will render your nads into a savory paste.

I love seafood, and while I prefer to catch my own, sometimes it is difficult to negotiate the coast range in the snow and ice, so I was pleasantly surprised when a specialty shop opened a few miles from my workplace where I could buy live Alaskan crab and New England lobster, monk fish, rock bass, salmon, king crab, several varieties of shrimp and scallops, and various kinds of shellfish: oysters, clams, mussels, abalone.

The place is run by questionably legal immigrants from Guatamala, Honduras, Belize, and Cuba, and they always offer excellent suggestions for preparing the fresh or frozen products they offer. A couple of days ago, I purchased four Peruvian frog leg sections and a live Dungeness crab.

At the counter, one of the fishmongers asked me if I intended to cook the frog legs and crabs together, and I must have looked somewhat surprised at his question, because he told me that back in Belize, he and his family often ate stew made from frog legs and iguana in a special sauce that is not only delicious but will also cure your hemorrhoids by cauterizing your anus from the inside out.

Curious, I was anxious to try his recipe and asked if they also carried iguana.

“No,” he said sadly, “but they have nice ones at Petco. Just don’t say I send you. They think the things are to sleep with.”