"He’s Not That Old!" Dotard Shouts From Exile

Loudspeakers at Mar A Lago blared former guy Donald Trump’s displeasure at Joe Biden’s first press conference this morning.

“If I can be honest. And I just, again, I want to thank you for tuning in to Trump Twitters, which was Jared’s idea for a fogcast to keep our message out there despite the liberal media’s censoring the truths we all hold self-evident, which is what everyone knows. The election was stolen. Everyone says so. But let others complain. It’s just a great honor to have this kind of audience and speak to you and the hundreds of billions of American patriots who are committed to the honesty of our elections and the integrity of our glorious republic over the golden air waves of grain,” the deflated windbag began in a tirade that took nearly 53 minutes, condemning a pattern of “misfalsification and decreption the likes of which the founding fathers could only dream bigly and wetly about.”

It was unclear precisely what the former turdmuppet was nattering about, but a COVID-surviving supporter who spoke on condition of anonymity told reporters that the failed führer was incensed that Joe Biden “got away with one lie after another, did you hear him? He even claimed he was in the Senate 120 years ago. Why didn’t Frederick Douglas mention him to me before the election was stolen?"