Turns Out You Can’t Teach A Dog New Tricks

The same people who like to say: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” are also the kinds of moderates who caution against any change to the status quo “until you’ve ruled out every possible unintended consequence.” 

These are also the same people who are saying “I Told You So” after an explosive new report suggesting that more than 6 million drug-sniffing dogs have been euthanized since many states began legalizing marijuana for medical & recreational use.

“It’s heart-breaking,” says Deborah Downhard, CEO of Downhard Canine Interdiction Services, one of a handful of innovative American security companies who have provided quadrupedal logistical support during the 40-year-old Reagan War On Drugs. “These dogs love their jobs, & their handlers love these dogs like their own families. What we’re doing to these dogs is no better than what we do to our vets, which is a goddamn disgrace, you ask me. Go ahead. Ask me.”

Although exact numbers are hard to come by in our current climate of total transparency and accountability, it is estimated that more than 666 million rescue dogs have been converted to marijuana-sniffing dogs since 1980, with at least 30 million still on active duty, 

“It’s a national disgrace,” said a former politician whose tan you’d recognize in a minute, “It’s a total disaster what they are doing to these great dogs, during this Chinese pandemic.” According to several QAnon media outlets cited by this expert, many people are outraged that COVID victims have taken priority for cremation over  terminated K9 heroes. “It’s an outrage,” the man continued. “It’s a total disaster.”