“I Thought We Had A Deal!” Turdwaffle Shouts At Passing Cars

Citing the agreement they signed behind closed doors at Helsinki in 2018, twice-impeached former failed führer Donald J.Turdwaffle took to his Pornhub MySpace channel this morning to denounce recent leaks alleging Vladimir Putin told Russian spy agencies to ensure our feckless fascist won the 2016 presidential election. 

According to published reports, Putin saw Turdwaffle’s mental instability “a valuable asset,” insisting America’s bankruptcy king was “the best candidate to help us bury the US the way we promised back when Granpa Nikita demanded that the allies provide him with loose shoes, tight pussy, & a warm place to shit.”

“This is disgusting,” Turdwaffle posted from his AOL e-mail account. “This is fake news being spread by the Democrats & their billionaire Jewish friends. When Putin signed the handshake agreement for Hillary’s e-mails, he agreed to the standard NDA and non-compete language from the Constitution, which is what made America great for business for nearly 2,000 years, until antifa and Black Lives Matter got uppity.

“This whole thing is fiction, and nobody was tougher on Russia than me, including on the pipeline, humid rights, and sanctions. At the same time we got along with Russia, and what’s so bad about that? Isn’t that what bipartisan means? Russia respected us, China respected us, Iran respected us, North Korea respected us, the Phillippines respected us, Proud Boys respected us, even my Justice Department respected us. And the world was a much safer place than it is now with the mentally unstable leadership.”

“I have my lawyers looking into this, & if they find that my good buddy Vlad is actually behind these leaks, we will not hesitate to unleash the Kraken once again! Friendship is no excuse for violating an NDA!”