“We Gave Him Fake Nuclear Codes,” Anonymous Source Reveals

In the days following twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle’s soiling of the carpet in the Oval Office with a strategic strike from his fecal ejection system, military and civilian officials scrambled to keep the blithering bloviator from launching a doomsday nuclear strike on China, Iran, Germany, and the U.S. west coast.

Desperate neocon holdovers from the Bush Dynasty lobbied fiercely for the strikes, harkening back to the founding fathers insistence that Americans are better off dead than red. This slogan originally applied to native peoples, until they were effectively rendered extinct, whereupon the catchphrase was repurposed to refer to anti-capitalist terrorists who called themselves communists, socialists, or antifa.

The neocons were crestfallen when their fevered efforts to create a highly radioactive planet where socialists could not continue to breed.

“We came this close to solving the climate crisis,” remarked one wag in the State Department, whose smirk you would recognize in a minute.