“Fuck Those Guys” Says #MeToo Schneider

Female Americans in the Lone Star state have wasted no time responding to Turdwaffle’s Nazi-packed Supreme Court decision to tell them what they can and cannot do with their bodies. More than 500,000 women in the Houston area alone filed change of address notifications with the USPS overnight, most heading for non-shit-hole states like Oregon, Washington, & California, as well as the New England area. Many are moving to Mexico to escape all the rapists in Texas.

The League of Lysistrata Voters (LOLV) told their members to replace their male acquaintances with vibrators and personal robots from Boston Dynamics. “Men are one luxury most women can easily go without,” said LOLV spokeperson Sally #MeToo Schneider. “It’s not like nature hasn’t made us perfectly capable of carrying on the species without them, thanks to 50 years of sperm banking and recent advances in gene splicing.”

Reports of rape & assault to local police &  sheriff departments soared on the first full day of this misguided legal decision, with more than 95% of sexually active women in the second dumbest state in the union committed to withholding consent for physical content with the opposite sex until our nation of miserable fucks enacts laws protecting the rights of women to use their own equipment as they see fit.

Men could not be reached for comment before this story hit the ether because most of them were furiously stroking their outrage in private.

In related news, one Fort Worth incel died after realizing he had no condoms and decided to superglu his penis tip before masturbating to prevent sexually transmitted diseases.

He died hours later from uremic poisoning, prompting Texas Attorney General Ron “Hotrod” Paxton & state Surgeon General Geoffrey “He’ll Eat Anything” Geins to jointly issue an urgent warning against substituting superglu for a regular condom, recycled rubber or, in a pinch, a sheath of cling wrap.

“We highly recommend that men who need to relieve their sexual tension but do not have access to prophylactics,” Paxton suggested, “should still practice safe sex by the following standard COVID protocols of wearing a mask, social distancing, & thoroughly washing your hands for 20 to 40 seconds before touching the tip, at least until these fool women come to their senses.”