I Was Innocent Of A Clear Majority Of Charges, So I Win

Announcing her intention to sue to recover legal expenses related to her lengthy trial, Theranos founder and one-time professional Steve Jobs impersonator, Elizabeth Holmes declared “complete and total vindication” today after jurors returned guilty verdicts on just four of the eleven counts against her. 

Holmes was found guilty of three counts of fraud & one count of conspiracy. She was acquitted of four other charges, while jurors were not able to reach verdicts on three remaining fraud counts.

“Four of eleven,” Holmes bragged during a brief press conference while being escorted back to jail after the verdicts, “that’s all these fake prosecutors could manage in what would have been an open and shut case, if I was running the prosecution.

“I think this proves how out of touch the rule of law has become when we’re talking about the perceptions of right and wrong in our supply-side plantation economy among the common people I represent. This harrassment has cost me billions of dollars that I could have put to use curing hunger, homelessness, & income inequity, and I’m convinced the American people are as fed up with these politically motivated prosecutions as our favorite former president is.

“We will have our day in court if it takes another hundred years. Winners never give up.”