How Come I Can’t Get Immunity?

After the alleged former girlfriend of staunch Turdwaffle ally, Rep. Matt  Gaetz (R-Word, FL), was granted immunity last week to testify about her knowledge of his alleged sex-trafficking of minors at Mar-A-Lago, the widely mocked congressprick took to social media to complain that the investigation was “another Democrat witch hunt against those who would uphold American Family Values in the face of rising crime by antifa.”

Gaetz complained that law enforcement was wasting time & money “looking at these politically motivated attacks against me & my GOP family when they should be looking into the terrorists running Black Lives Matter and antifa. Why won’t they give me immunity? Are they afraid of hearing exactly what I know? Why give immunity to a former disgruntled girlfriend who only recently turned 16? She’s just a child! What could she possibly know about sex-trafficking? She may be a willing participant who got some bad advice on Twitter, hired a smart lawyer, and got an immunity deal with the government so she could run for my seat in the House during the midterms!”

Gaetz, who joined the GOP after failing at a brief attempt to become a full-time online influencer, stormed out of his own press conference when asked by Unsense News Service (UNS) stringer Peter Panz if it was true that Devin Nunes beat him out of the job of running former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle’s struggling right-wing socialist media platform, whose name is currently tied up in litigation over possible trademark & copyright infringement.

This left it to Arthur Jefferson, founding partner of the prestigiously litigious law firm of Jefferson, Penn & Teller, LLC, to read a prepared statement crafted by risk managers in the product safety division designed specifically to respond to the kinds of generic unethical or downright criminal behavior their clients routinely engage in:

“Thank you for coming. We look forward to answering your questions at an upcoming press briefing to be held at a location, time, and date as yet to be determined. Other restrictions may apply. We remain steadfast in our commitment to challenge any and all allegations containing fact or evidence in this case with the best rumor & innuendo-based defense our clients can afford. By listening to this statement, you hereby are bound by the terms of the non-disclosure agreement soon to arrive in your inbox by return-receipt requested. Thank you again for coming. You will be billed following the expiration of this trial period.”