All It Takes Is A Few Artful Plea Deals In Swing States

Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle Jr. sounded like his dad this morning when he put himelf in the shoes of Vladimir Putin — an insane autocrat accused of invading Ukraine to gain complete and total control of the world’s supply of authentic vereniki — “We all do stupid things when we have a chance to.”

Junior claims the current Ukraine incursion would never have happened if his father were still in the White House. “What’s that song?” America’s favorite cokehead asked, “You know, about the yellow-ass taxis and shit? ‘Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got till they steal the vote.’ Sometimes the old sayings make pretty good clichés.”

Junior is on a whirlwind tour of America’s brightest uneducated red states, trying to drum up support for his father’s reinstatement, which may be the only way for the old fat fuck to avoid dying in prison among the very non-white people he despises so much he actually took out a full-page newspaper ad to advocate killing five young black men who were ultimately found innocent of the crimes Turdwaffle paid to lynch them for.

At a recent stop in Georgia — where he called the Federal hate crime conviction of Ahmaud Arbery’s racist murderers “a regular tapestry of justice. What are we going to have next? Love crimes?” — the blithering bloviator blasted the Biden administration for not doing enough to protect America’s “fragile supply chain, which will be further stressed if Sleepy Joe pressures Putin into a corner where the only way out is to take Kyiv.”

The least recyclable Turdwaffle then suggested that his father “was ready, willing, and able, if we pay him his regular fee, to drop every one of his current affairs, and devote his attention to Kyiv,” implying that it is only the unwillingness of Democrats to admit that they stole the 2020 election by employing millions of illegal mail-in ballots that keeps the Biden administration from naming his father chief negotiator to bring about an end to this misunderstanding over what the US and Russia agreed to during the 2108 Helsinki Summit, which is currently protected by a Turdwaffle non-disclosure agreement.

“It’s time to put these petty partisan squabbles behind us,” Little Donnie said, “and embrace our place in the new world order, a new world order we patriots in the Republican party first promised the American people back when Ronald Reagan was struggling against Democrat opposition to make America great again, despite the woke obstructionists who keep wanting to re-fight the Civil War.

“That was hundreds of years ago, and if it isn’t clear who won that war by now, I only ask you this simple question: Have you ever seen anyone with balls enough to take a knee at a Clemson football game while they’re singing Dixie and waving the Stars and Bars?” 

The editorial department here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, and Laundromat was about to rebut these arguments, just before we fired up a bowl of White Widow. It’s a great day for some White Widow.