That's What The Garbage Disposal Is For

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and pole-dance pee-guzzler Donald J. Turdwaffle bristled Thursday at the suggestion he had flushed incriminating documents down the executive-time toilet installed behind the Resolute desk in his first official act as the #AmericaFirst President for Life.

“Another fake story,” Turdwaffle said in a statement from his Flush America PAC, “that I flushed papers and documents down a White House toilet in the Oval Orifice, is categorically completely untrue and totally simply made up by a New York Crimes reporter in order to get publicity for her obviously fictitious book or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

“These people make up everything,” Turdwaffle fumed, “Why would anyone say the papers were not given easily and without conflict and on a very friendly basis? These answers beg the question. Obviously, this is very different from the accounts being drawn up by the Fake News Media, who think you are too stupid to see what they are doing!” he continued.

“In fact, this security technique was viewed as routine and ’No big deal’ because I even wrote about it in Art of the Deal, a great best seller on the same list as the reporter works for who lied about this. In actuality, I have been told I was under no obligation to give this material at all, based on various legal rulings that have been made by my lawyers over the years.

“And don’t you forget I didn’t take any salary & lost a lot of money for this country,” the monumentally moronic  motherfucker insisted, “because they told me if I agreed to serve for free then I owned everything I got while in the White House, which was a lot of stuff. Now they’re trying to steal it back, the way they did with the election.”

The Presidential Records Act mandates that all presidential records must be properly preserved by each administration so a complete set of records is transferred to the National Archives at the end of an administration, so future historians will know what to lie about to make American look great again.

Mandates, however, have come under increasing attack in recent years with many Americans believing that the only good mandate is a dead mandate.