Nearly All Are Already Owned By Supply-Side Plantation Owners

NASA has identified more than 5,000 planets  in the general neighborhood just outside our solar system, but so far, the blessed few who own our nation of miserable fucks (and indeed the entire planet) consider these recent discoveries only as potential mining opportunities.

In a top-secret executive order protected by a non-disclosure agreement with no expiration date,  the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and apprentice James Bond villain, Grabito Pussolini, allegedly granted a handful of his top donors the “right of first refusal” to own and develop exterrestrial properties with 10X matching government subsidies in exchange for perpetual free parking and clean coal fuel for the #AmericaFirst Space Force, previously headed by Mikey “Hang Me High” Pence.

Fox News hailed these unfounded rumors of the Reaganesque accord brokered by their favorite failed führer as “the latest indicator  that the time is right to invest in the kinds of multi-national corporations who make America great.”

Freedumb Trucker Carlsen extolled the virtue of “plowing your crypto profits back into the greatest economy since America invented it,” and loudly proclaimed that white and off-white America is not dead yet, not so long as men are free to dream of enslaving entire universes for ever-expanding opportunities for the hard-working uneducated to Tweet or FacePlant their timeless observations and alternatively expert opinions about which sports franchises might be the best corporate citizens to inspire taxpayers near their backyards to eagerly vote for officials willing to bribe team owners with tax incentives to grow the great business that is America!

If you’re not a cynic, you’re an asshole, but you already knew that.