No More Mr. & Mrs. All The Nice News to Fit Your Pedestrian Views

Following reports that thousands of Tik Tok Teens have been selling the daily solutions to Wordle™, the popular impossible-to-lose word game, to highly uneducated Turdwaffle supporters in exchange for blanket pardons for “things like you wouldn’t believe,” the New York Times, the one time picayune paper of wreckage of this nation of miserable fucks, announced it was currently hiring heavily-armed home-schooled Christian soldiers willing to track down and eliminate Wordle cheaters “with extreme prejudice.”

Human rights organizations were quick to condemn the move, dubbed “Operation Enduring Freedom Too,” saying the entire world is tired of playing games as the planet becomes increasingly uninhabitable by a handful of capitalist assholes hungry to make a buck that they are unlikely to pass down to the defective fruit of their toxic loins. “The world has,” said Local Mann, a local man caught on camera, pissing on a very grumpy cat, “by now long past progressed beyond the fringes of audience comprehension.”

Josiah Gerbils, spokesrodent for the paper, issued a brief statement in response to a disinterested world: “It was never our intention to offend any market segment that might make our lives more profitable, and we apologize for any discomfort our  attempts at defending the American ideals of fair play and losing with humility may have caused to those who want to destroy our great heritage by ‘leveling the playing field.’ If God had wanted the playing field to be level, why did He make most of the United States poor and uneducated and allow a select few to live unbelievably rich and super intelligent? No offense.”