Suggests One Of The Kids Maybe Did It

Less than 48 hours after a plane carrying former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and America’s favorite alternatively-abled apprentice, Dimwit Donald Jessica Turdwaffle, attempted suicide following the speech he gave at the RNC Meat & Greek in New Orleans last week, his Save America PAC sent a fundraising e-mail to followers begging for help.

It claimed the president in exile was in desperate need of funds to take delivery of the brand-new Trump Force One plane he designed while “making America great again by running the country like I’ve run all my great businesses. Everyone says I run the greatest businesses.” He claims he ordered the plane from Boeing using his personal iPhone, so the plane is “technically” his, but that he is a little short on cash because of Democrat harassment “by the woke mob in the Deep State.”

According to people dumb enough to actually read the entire plea, anyone who responded to the e-mail with a contribution “as small as $2,500 (USD) in small untraceable bills” toward the purchase of the new and improved Spirit of Save America First, no matter how small the amount, would be entered in a “never before ever seen kind of unbelievable raffle like you wouldn’t believe.”

The winner got the chance to listen, over a luxurious dinner, after a first-class flight and accommodations, to your and everyone’s favorite president explain the best way to keep America great for “our incredible and unbelievable heritage and the heritages of everyone just like you and me by repealing the Emancipation Proclamation, which was never in the Constitution to begin with. Believe me, if you don’t believe me.”

Now that e-mail has become a focus of a separate investigation into America’s Least Wanted, it appears that we have a new winner in our nation of miserable fucks and — surprise, surprise, surprise — it isn’t you. It will never be you. God hates you, and you know you deserve it.

That’s why the whiny liberals and woke progressives can do anything to harass one of the greatest — if not even way much better than greatest — of presidents in all of our great heritage going back to time immemorial, for which there is not even a coliseum or arena, our magnificent exemplar of American Family Values, Donald J. Turdwaffle, has been bullied into responding to completely and totally unfounded accusations, often accompanied with the disgraceful presentation of irrefutable evidence, including the discredited president’s own e-mails and recorded public statements.

Imagine if you were in Turdwaffle’s shoes without grinning and saying: “The horror. The horror.”

“This is just a disgrace,” Turdwaffle told his wait-person at the Mar-a-Lago McDonald’s, “what the fake media has been doing. And they wonder why I lock them in cages at my rallies where my people can keep an eye on them. How’s the pie today?”