It’s Like My Life Is Meaningless Without It & Deserving Of Social Compensation!*

I’ve been waiting patiently for my 1,291,478th slot to open up at Troop Central (as the former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and pussy-whipped #BeBester Grabito Pussolini recently himself called it), so I can finally experience the joy and wonder of exercising my first amendment right to say something stupidly Christian and vile enough to promote gun sales that most civilized nations would not allow, which is why I haven’t recently appealed my March 7, 2020 suspension for hateful conduct by Twitter because I neglected to credit Samantha Bee as the source for my final tweet honoring Ivanka with mention of her title as America’s Favorite Feckless Cunt.

I have since repeatedly acknowledged that I wasn’t the first to call Ivanka a feckless cunt, and everyone knows that I won’t be the last. Hell, ask Jared, you don’t believe me.

Until that fateful day, I still believed in the American Dream of pulling your jock up by its blackstrap on leg at a time, dusting your junk off, and getting back up in the saddle to toss down a few of them horsies until you have drunk yourself to the top of the shit hole heap, but for me, after a single truth-filled tweet, the bottom dropped out and my Internet gigs began disappearing like America’s exceptionalism. I was cankled.

It seemed like only yesterday that I was a freshly-minted septuagenarian looking forward finally to exploring career paths now that my childish youth was at last behind me. Shooting spitballs at the back of my head.

I finally understood that I could put away those childish things and purchase a semi-automatic expression of my Second Amendment Rights to set things right, but my Twitter suspension, coupled with a LinkedIn banishment for encouraging wage slaves to rebel and throw off the chains of Ronald Reagan’s supply-side plantation economy, the Boy Scouts of America demanding I return my Eagle Scout Patch and Citizenship Merit Badge, plus the ongoing global extinction event has dampened my formerly irrational exuberance about the future.

I’m not sure I can pass for a suicidal Tik Tok Teen, although the entire crew here at the Church of the Oven of Peace are happy to operate our Suicide Invention Tip Line for those who are not committed enough to get it right the first time.

*Sosumi