There’s No Way A 56-42 Margin Isn’t Rigged

“I wouldn’t concede if I was her,” former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and man who was crestfallen when his 23 & Me results found absolutely no genetic link to Adolph Hitler or Eva Braun, Dimwit Donald Grabito Pussolini told a 911 operator earlier today while reporting the alleged theft of years of incriminating evidence contained in his public statements over the past quarter of a century.

“I never conceded,” Pussolini continued, “which is the only reason I am not behind bars today. You should tell Marie that. I know Marie. She is one tough cookie. If she wouldn’t let me grab her pussy, you know she won’t let Macron get away with stealing the election like Mitch let Biden do in 2020.”

“The only reason I’m not in the White House today is Mike Pence wasn’t willing to tan his testicles enough to take one for the Gipper, even after a perfect phone call where he promised things like you wouldn’t believe but couldn’t deliver,” Pussolini concluded. “I like Mike, but you got to draw a line somewhere.”