Mulls 2024 Run For White House As Moderate Repugnicunt

As the backlash over his sucker-slapping of comedian Kid Rock onstage at the Oscars slowly sloshes around the globe like an inconsequential tsunami of The American Way, Will Smith announced during a pop-up press conference at a Starbucks in Tuscany early Friday morning that he is resigning from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, telling his Instagram followers: “You’re not going to have Will Smith and his beautiful wife to kick around anymore,” sending stocks in fast food and ephermeral services plunging to record lows.

The actor once again insisted he is heartbroken over depriving “other under-privileged people like the fat, the retards, the homeless, and the deaf the opportunity to be celebrated at America’s second most favorite spectator sport and I’m ready to accept all the consequences for slapping Kid Rock for insulting my wife before I won the Oscar for being the best male actor on the planet.”

Smith said it was wrong of him to over-react to a joke “about people, like my beautiful and immensely talented wife Jada, who have alopecia, a painful chronic immune disorder that forces otherwise good people to make the heartbreaking decision between shaving their heads or going bald in patches, like some old mangy dog you wouldn’t bother to scross the street to kick. I’ve been under a lot of stress, but that’s no excuse. So I’ve decided to resign from the Academy and run for president as a moderate Republican. It’s the least I can do.”