I Have A Lot Of Other Things Going For Me Besides Being Stupid Marjoe Whines

Rep Marjoe Faylure Gumpreene (R-Word, GA) pinned the blame on the “donkey media” this week for tricking ordinary people into “thinking that I am angry or or violent or crazy or anti-intellirazzi because of a few gaffes in my resume I had no knowledge of. Nobody ever questions Lorena Boebert’s (R-Word, CO) boner fidos.”

Gumpreene had been scheduled to speak at a rally in New York with Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-Word, NY) to discuss mid-term strategy to counter Biden efforts to push through “his ‘Great Replacement’ agenda, which will leave this country in the hands of the kinds of people we used to own and do whatever the fuck we wanted with.” The event was cancelled following a deadly mass shooting at a supermarket in Buffalo, prompting Gumprene to rant about cancel culture.

“They create me out to be as someone not to be liked,” Gumpreene told the moderate Pornhub AMA Channel in a desperate bid to hold on to her current decent-paying gig with incredible benefits not available to more than 90% of American workers.

“They make me out as if I’m just angry or crazy or mean and dumb or basically just unintellectual,” Gumpreene hissed, leaning forward and continuing, conspiratorially, “ hich, as everyone who knows anyone who knows me knows, is completely unkind. Whatever happened to manners? There’s a limit to how much truth the average American can stand, which is why they oppose Critical Racist Theory for violating their First Amendment Rights we are all prepared to defend to our last extended magazine with our untouchable Second Amendment Rights guaranteed by the NRA!”

Gumpreene took particular umbrage with the tendency of certain woke members of the liberal media to “give me the ‘ism’ treatment, if you know what I mean. You know what that ‘ism’ is, right? Euwww. Like racist, homophobist, anti-Semenite. They put all them labels on me like I was some supermarket fruit for sale by the pound, and ain’t none of them is true.”

The freshman racist expressed frustration that most people may have a clear idea of who she is and what she stands for. “Some people just hate American family values, and they give other people the wrong ideas about me, despite all our campaign spending, which is costing my supporters good money. Why are we helping that comedian in Ukraine but not giving patriotic American mothers who are raising the next generations of America First voters the formula they need to free their babies from this tyranny?”

When asked to explain what tyranny babies are suffering, Rep. Gumpreene told us she needed to take a call on her other line.