You Won’t Have This Helms On Wheels To Kick Around Anymore

Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word,NC), the youngest dumb flaccid member of Congress, whose brief tenure replacing former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Grabito Pussolini’s insurrectionist chief of staff Easy Mark Meadows was marked by typical Repugnicunt shenanigans, got his ass handed to him in the primary Tuesday night.

Cawthorn, 26, rose to power by emulating the former failed führer’s uncanny ability to make the most unbelieveable horseshit sound reasonble to America’s down-trodden uneducated voters whose hopes for making America great again included more game shows like The Apprentice and The Masked Singer.

Cawthorn gave a brief secession speech as early returns indicated he had less chance of winning the primary than Melania Trump has of becoming First Lady again.

“All I can say is,” Cawthorn told the shriveled crowd of his remaining supporters “I am hugely disappointed that I must secede because our voters were suppressed by antifa and BLM as they attacked us with Critical Race Theory.

“This should make everyone mad as hell,” the disgraced lawbreaker said, "because if our election systems continue to be rigged against our great American Family Values and continue to be stolen by George Soros and the liberal media, then it’s going to lead to one place — and it’s bloodshed. Just remember, I wasn’t the first to say this. I heard it direct from Tucker Carlson on America’s news station of record.”

With that, the lameduck representative stood up suddenly, tossing his wheelchair through a nearby window, shouting: “Praise the Lord! I am healed!” and strode to the counter to order a burger and fries.