Groping, You Sure It Wasn’t Grabbing? Asks Grabito Pussolini

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and shameless bottom-feeding cornhole addict Grabito Pussolini shambled to the defense of Nebraska goobernatorial candidate Charles “Numchucks” Herbster (R-Word, NB) at a hillbilly Nebraskaburg rally over the weekend, calling allegations against the former pig-masseuse “the victim of malicious claims about his attractiveness from the woke mob, who can’t stand American fistal conservatives like The Herbster.”

“He’s been badly covfefed and it’s a shame. Think of the children who are scared of running for office now because of fake news. That’s why I interrupted my busy schedule making Troop Sentinel great to come out here to take some heat off  J. D. Herbler and his family,” the failed führer told a wheezing crowd of COVID survivors, “by reminding everyone that I became president of this formerly great country by denying I ever said I could grab great-looking women by the pussy, because that’s The American Dream! Even if the Herbster did 80% of the things he admits he did, just remember I did twice that much, got impeached, not once, but twice, and I’m still out on the campaign trail, raising money, and not even running for office.”

God, I feel so dirty picking the lowest of low-hanging fruit on Malignancy Monday, especially since the former führer gets particularly frightened by fruits. It’s almost as #TheTerribleSwiftianSword needs more than a simple honing and stropping.

#AmericaFists