I Used To Publish As ‘The Tylenol Kid’

I still have an Osama Bin Laden Facebook account. I was Timothy McVeigh after I inveigled a way to accidentally substitute Christine McVie during the Bush family execution to make life grand again. Here at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge & Laundromat, we encompass multitudes.

The Tylenol murders in 1982 Chicago always struck me as someone sending a message about the obvious danger posed by Tylenol that is somehow still not fully understood by a solid majority of very fine people plodding around our nation of miserable fucks. Tylenol was already killing people before the Chicago tampering resulted in more safety consciousness in packaging but not in the substances contained in the packaging.

A girl in Lake Oswego or West Linn committed suicide by Tylenol a few months before the tamperings began. Even then, acute liver failure from prolonged usage or extreme doses was already known. Acute acetaminophen poisoning is usually fatal or requires extraordinary measures, including organ transplants, to replace the poisoned organs.

Unlike getting wasted on legal or illegal recreational drugs, which you can outlast or be treated to counteract an overdose, acetominophen is as effective in ridding our nation of miserable fucks of pesky or sensitive weeds as Roundup.

Of course, our self-righteous sorority busybodies have so cowed the medical profession into not prescribing effective pain-killers because of a big pharma induced dopioid epidemic that many doctors routinely tell patients to buck up and take a few Tylenol for their temporary agony and soon they’ll be right as rain.

The last time I read the warnings on a Tylenol bottle back in 1982, it said to take 1-2 tablets every four hours, not to exceed 6 tablets  in 24 hours. I don’t know about you, but when I’m awake and in pain, I’d be exceeding 6 tablets by dinner time.

To this day, I have never heard a doctor who recommended I use Tylenol mention not to exceed the recommended dosage or permanent acute liver failure can occur. Not once.

I even told one of them that he was prescribing poison, to which he replied: “How about those Blazers?”