Graham Undergoes Emergency Colonoscopy To Remove Foreign-Funded Election Interference Evidence From His Ample Buttocks

“Whew,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Word, SC) after hearing that a Trump-appointed judge agreed to accept a small gratuity in exchange for postponeing his Tuesday testimony into attempts to rig Georgia’s slate of uneducated electors for twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and kind of guy Adolph Hitler might have become if he were a common crook until after the 2022 mid-terms or the day after Donaldo Grabito Pussolini is reinstalled with full white executive privileges, whichever comes first.

Graham has a known aversion to truthfully testifyiing under oath, with several of his closest aides during his highly profitable career as a supply-side plantation owner who can “tell you a thing or two” about how to run a highly effective community police state to deal “with the woke mob and their uppity allies.”

“It’s not that Lady G is averse to telling the truth, given the right circumstances and a fair price,” said one of Graham’s gay friends who spoke on condition that we identify his penis size while flaccid (6.375 inches) but disguised his name (Emerson Bigguns), “but he carries an Epipen for those occasions where he must appear under oath and risk anaphylactic shock over a simple dishonest yes or no answer.”

We attempted to ask the flagrant Senator for comment on this obviously anti-defamatory story, but he refused to acknowledge our presence after 30 minutes of persistent pounding on his closet door.