We Must Not Allow The Heathen To Rage! Says Helms On Wheels, Jr.

In one of his first official pronouncements following his induction into the House Freedumbocracy Caucus as Kookie Rookie of the Year, freshman insurrectionist Rep. Ashli Madison Holden Cawthorn (R-Word, NC) told a soup of slathering professional journalists from such Pullputzer Prize-winning media outlets as Fox News & Our Newish American Network (ONAN) that it’s time for the legion of monsters being raised by good Repugnicunt mothers to start training for the looming Civil War to end all civility.

"Liberty and freedom must be defended in the Uneducated People’s House by proud patriots who are unafraid to challenge the elitist status quo and stand for what is right, even when standing up means sitting down,” Cawthorn said in prepared remarks he read from a borrowed flip phone.

"I ran to change the way Congress does business. That means upholding promises made to the American people by our founding father, Ronald Reagan, & not selling out to the woke Swamp creatures. Although I have only been in Washington for a very short period of time, I am wise beyond my years & have learned that the freedom fighters must stand together and defend America from those who do not share our sacred Christian American family values & want to teach our children critical thinking skills. We oppose critical thinking.”

Cawthorn, who is known for routinely eclipsing former twice-impeached unidicted co-conspirator and scam-artist, Grabbito Pussolini, in lies per minute when speaking in places where people can hear him, hopes one day to run for president himself, with either Eric or Donald J. Turdwaffle, Jr. as his running mate, “assuming the woke mob hasn’t thrown them in jail by November.”