Save America & You Save Yourselves Says Former Failed Führer

Following reports that former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & alleged Russian peepeeholic Donald J. Turdwaffle has thus far refused to entertain any offers for his presidential memoir without an advance “at least a couple of grand higher” than the $67 million former president Barack Obama received in 2017 for a summary of a proposed children’s book to feature two infielders to be named at a later date, an angry awakened spokesman for the bombastic bloviator denounced the news as “patently fake, clearly false, and obviously untrue,” citing unnamed sources close to the sequestered Turdwaffle who described his mood as “jovial and not at all upset.”

However, according to usually reliable sources among the elite New York publishing houses, Turdwaffle has not yet received an offer thR matches his demands. In fact, the former disgraced president has taken to cold-emailing publishers offering to pay them to publish his memoir if they agree to hold a huge press conference near an escalator to announce they’d agreed to an advance of $134 million. So far, according to several witnesses, the former president has gone through 8 alternative presidential handsets.

Of course, everyone knows, Mr. Turdwaffle is incapable of reading, much less writing. His only skill, as far as I can tell, is the ability to commit so fully to a scam that his followers believe it even as much as he does. Why else would this nutjob be soliciting funds to self-publish his “armoire?”