by Joshua Randall 

UNCOMMON SENSE 

Mercenary Writer 

Pataphysical Militia Syndicate 

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WASHINGTON (PMS) -— Saddam Hussein is featured on a series of new posters issued by the Drug Enforcement Agency and the National Terrorism Task Force as part of the Bush administration’s ever-expanding reelection campaign war, which now has an official slogan: “All war, all the time. Get the picture?” an apparent advertising take off on a line from John Milton's classic Christian pro-war guidebook, Paradise Lost. 

In that seldom-read epic, the protagonist, an outcast angel, swears to fight until his last breath against the overwhelming force of evil that confronts him by saying: “War then, open or understood, must be resolvéd.” An administration press secretary who spoke on condition of anonymity suggested that the passage contains an apparent prediction of approval of the second U.N. resolution by the Security Council which will allow the U.S. and its invisible coalition of the willing to invade Iraq and kill all of its evil ones and restore the kingdom of heaven on earth. 

If the Iraqi president and his generals “resist our overwhelming armies of goodness and take the innocent lives of any of our precious boys and girls, if they allow anyone, including our brave fighting men and women, to destroy any infrastructure, and particularly those resources which will help pay for this noble and just liberation of the good folks of Iraq who agree with what they are being asked to ask us for, well, let me put it this way, them evil ones will be held accountable as war criminals, if we was to take any of them alive, which is not likely,” President Bush said Tuesday to a room full of sleeping journalists. 

A White House spokesperson identified only as “K-Cube,” wearing a white robe, his head covered with a white mask, expanded on the president's remarks, saying that Saddam, his family, his relatives, his supporters, his friends, his casual acquaintances, people who know him vaguely, people who may have heard of him, and his pets would be legitimate targets for U.S. forces, with confirmed decommissioning of “key sentience modules” to be eligible for special bonus awards under a new incentive program for pilots and remote missile launchers. 

Ground troops would still be required to provide proof of liberation to receive their awards. In past honorable liberations of oppressed peoples from barbaric regimes, only ears, fingers, penises, and nipples of actual front line casualties and collateral damage were considered acceptable proof of liberation. In the new reelection campaign war on terror, all that has changed. 

“If we go to war in Iraq, and somehow some kind of hostilities result where we are forced to use our weapons of smart destruction, well,” K-Cube said, “there's always a chance that we may hit some of those command and control people and top generals and their families, people who are in charge of fighting the war to kill the troops sent in by the good side, which is us, of course, so I can't guarantee that anyone in charge will be safe. In fact, I can't guarantee anyone will be safe. Period.” 

“When you go to war, command and control are legitimate targets under international law,” the spokeshood said. Asked whether that could mean Saddam, K-Cube replied, “Of course. What am I, talking to myself?” 

Asked whether Saddam and his operatives would also be free under international law to attack U.S. command and control, including the First Idiot, K-Cube admitted that the question had never come up in planning discussions, but he doubted that the same rules would apply to an evil regime such as Iraq's. “We'll have to get back to you on that after the meeting this afternoon,” he added. 

President Gerald Ford issued a ban on CIA assassinations of foreign leaders in 1976 when he mistakenly signed what he thought was a pardon for former Nixon employee, Sirhan Sirhan. President Reagan expanded the executive order in 1981 to ban targeted regime changes by marine researchers. (Editor's note: Reagan was replaced by a surgically modified porpoise after his untimely termination by FBI informant John Hinckley. He now lives with former killer whale and child porn star Keiko in a Finnish fiord.) Bush wants to overturn the ban by signing a new executive order, but he hasn't yet learned how to hold a pen, and he is determined to “do this thing myself with no help from my ma or pa.” 

Bush plans a “speechification on Iraqian issuances” late Wednesday at the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative Washington think tank from which he drew many of his Aurocks, as he affectionately calls his inner circle of thugs and goons. He is expected to argue that Saddam is a “menace to the hood” and that “popping a cap in his raghead ass” would make the Middle East more stable for new investment and oil exploration. 

Bush predicted Saddam would try to “fool me one more time, but you know what they say about fools…” he grinned. “Shame me once, I'm full of you, but fool my wife, and I'll kick your ass.” 

The president insisted the only way the Iraqi leader can avoid war was “full disarmament. The man has been told to disarm. The man has been told to get rid of them arms. The man has been told to destroy them arms. We know he has them. We sold them to him. We've got receipts. We got pictures. Here's one of Dick Cheney delivering them arms he says he doesn't have. What does that man take us for? For the sake of peace, he must completely disarm. We're not kidding anymore. We're not fooling around here. We mean business. We're not going to say this again. This is absolutely the last time we're going to even mention it. No more. That's it. We're finished. All war, all the time. That's our motto. Any questions?” 

© Copyright 2003, Faustroll, Ligi, and Associates. All rights reserved. The Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge and Laundromat, a leisure service of the Church of the Oven of Peace, provides imaginary solutions to your imaginary problems. Is there no way to rid us of this embarrassing twit? Leading the blind since 1896. 

Originally posted: Wed - February 26, 2003 at 07:41 PM