THE TERROR CHANNEL 

by Carrie Nation Mathers 

Apocalypso Editor 

Pataphysical Military Service 

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VALLEY FORGE (PMS) – Draped in an American flag and surrounded by illiterate children from one of President Fubar Bush’s favorite faith-based pre-schools with positive Christian messages strapped to their chests, press secretary Airhead Fleischer told paid sleeping reporters that the first idiot planned to address the nation Monday night to give Saddam Hussein “one last, eleventh-hour, absolute, beyond question, conclusive, definitive ultimatum, before he makes up his mind whether to employ a military option to enforce U.N. resolution 1441. The President will attempt to read a carefully worded message from his teleprompter saying that to avoid military conflict Saddam Hussein must leave the planet immediately. And that's our final offer to preserve world peace and end terror in our time,” Fleischer said. 

He dismissed rumors that the U.S. has threatened to obliterate any nation offering to provide the hapless Iraqi leader with asylum with “the terrible swift whachamacallit of our nasty sword type thingies.” 

The White House scheduled tonight’s address after U.S. and British diplomats realized they had nearly ten times as many fingers as votes to approve military action on the U.N. Security Council, dashing any hope of forcing a recount on their intelligence insulting resolution in Florida, which has been the chief Bush strategy on all policy issues since early November of 2000. According to sources closes to somebody, “the president feels that a loss in Florida would be one thing Republicanism could never recover from.”

After realizing that nearly everyone in the world either hates or ridicules the U.S. leadership, the Bush coalition told the United Nations that “those foreign speaking assholes” would not be permitted to vote on a new resolution to give Saddam an ultimatum or face war. Instead, the U.S. will do what it damn well pleases, “because we've got the big guns, and if they don't like it, tough shit.” On Sunday, the president and his allies from Britain and Betelgeuse announced that they would give the U.N. until last Monday “to resolve the diplomatic dispute or fuck off.” 

“The diplomatic window has closed as a result of the U.N.'s failure to enforce its own resolutions for Saddam to dismember himself. And that goes double for those French assholes. They're going to be very sorry before we're through,” Fleischer said, as construction crews began dismantling the Statute of Liberty which will be melted down to produce armor piercing artillery rounds. 

Fleischer declined to say whether Saddam would be told personally that his presence on the planet was no longer tolerable to America’s Supreme Assyholer. “I will not get into any discussions about when military hostilities may or may not begin, or who will get to drag the bodies through the streets, but the President's father has been give first dibs on the Saddam's testicles,” he said. The belligerent spokesman also promised to begin killing one of own children every hour beginning at 6 p.m. Eastern time until he gets a raise. 

Officials refused to confirm or deny reports that the U.S. military will shortly be employed to provide “the final solution” to growing domestic unrest. Over the weekend, hundreds of thousands of antiwar protestors mysteriously disappeared during a news embargo.