Hundreds Rounded Up At Ohio Rally

After law enforcement officers rounded up more than 160 #AmericaFirst supporters on the roads leading to Wellington, Ohio, the former twice-impeached Nazi führer issued an e-mail statement condemning the action, seeking to distance himself from rumors that he had flipped on himself to avoid prison time by sharing the names & addresses of ticket purchasers.

“It’s outrageous what antifa & BLM have done to the FBI,” Turdwaffle wrote, “And the fake news just repeats everything they say. It’s sad. Many people can’t wait until I am reinstated so I can pardon all these political prisoners they’ve rounded up & tried to blame on me.”

In response to a shouted question by reporters from Fox News & OANN, Turdwaffle said: “I can guarantee I had nothing to do with identifying any of the hundreds arrested today. Who are you going to believe: your favorite president or the lamestream media? The good news is my rallies will go on & we have filed suit to ensure that my incarcerated followers will be able to stream my great speeches on their phones while awaiting arraignment.”