Spokesman Misspoke When He Blamed NW Temperature On Heat Ray

Thousands of Pacific northwesterners have been shocked to discover the life inurance policies of their loved ones do not cover climate change-related losses of life or limb. Agents says coverage available through the addition of  riders but few people ever ask for rider coverage, which usually covers the things they think they are paying for with regular insurance.

“I was stunned,” Sylvia Plath, receptionist at the Portland Pataphysical Outpatient Clinic, Lounge, & Laundromat told Cognitive Dissident, after learning that the excavation of her husband’s body from the pavement on Hawthorne Blvd. was “not a health-related issue and we recommend you file a claim with your auto insurer.”

“ I thought they all up in DC said this climate change thing was a hoax. If it’s a hoax, how can they claim it as the reason for denying my claim to cover my Dan’s funeral expenses? Goddamn government and insurance companies treat us like conjugal visit dummies.”

“Things that should not happen are never covered by insurance,” said  Bernard Madoff, spokesghost of Madoff Liability & Guaranty.  “How could a company expect to make a profit by paying claims from its customers? That makes no sense. It flies in the face of 40 years of supply-side plantation economics. And don’t get me started on climate change.  Everybody’s got to have a climate. Even Venus has a climate. Change is irrrevocable and always has been.

“Speaking of has beens, I mean what’s the point of complaining about the climate? It’s like the weather. People complain but nobody does anything because that’s how I was raised to be an American. I went to a protest against the Vietnam War once and my dad put me in the damned hospital with multiple fractures, & these kids today get all bent out of shape when I cop hits them with a billy club. That’s how my dad put me to sleep when I got sassy.

“Kids these days need to understand that there are many things that’s more important than this planet. What about our jobs, for Christ’s sake? What good is a planet if you don’t have a job?”