Former President Whoops It Up At Alabama Repugnicunt Rally

Warming up for his recently rescheduled reinstatement now slated for September 11, 2021, former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator Donald J. Turdwaffle took to the stage in Cullman tonight to tout his good relations with the Taliban, with whom he & former Sec of State Mikey “He’ll Eat Anything” Pompeo signed a peace accord that Joe Biden somehow managed to bungle by delaying turnover of the country to the Taliban a few months to prevent the kind of chaos that would inevitably ensue.

“When I left the war was over,” the pretend president told a paid audience of deplorable Repugnicunts with a collective IQ considerably shy of double-digits, “But you know what?  You know what? We have to go in now and we should go in when it’s right, and we now may have to be forced to go in, we may be forced to go in, and we may not be forced, but we may be forced to go in, and if you’re not prepared to go in, you’re never going to see those 45,000 people again. If they don’t think you’re prepared to go in, you’re never going to see them again.”

A contingent of Proud Boys waving “Save The 45,000 People” signs applauded wildly, allowing the malignant narcissist to bask in an imagined glow of adoration, before he forged onward toward new frontiers of confabulated horse exhaust that sounded good on paper but would not fare well on a crowded elevator after lunch at Chipotles. 

“Could you imagine if I were president and the virus was  surging back?” the lifelong Nazi asked. “This Kung Flu is actually tougher than the Taliban, I must be honest with you. The Taliban are Afghanistan’s Proud Boys, always ready to stand down & stand by if you ask them until they are needed to restore order when antifa & other thugs, you know who I mean,  threaten our democracy, but COVID, which I still call the Democrat Chinese coronavirus hoax, everyone calls it that who hasn’t been brainwashed by the liberal media, this COVID is a real tough cookie.

“After all I did, Operation Warp Speed, the Space Force, that was my idea, those were mine. Without me there would be no safe vaccines. You made this all possible, & I thank you for your continued support, & I hope you extend that support to my good friend & fellow peaceable patriot Mo Brooks, who is pleased to have my complete & total endorsement for working hard, he’s a hard worker, the best there is for our heritage. Mo stands up against Black Lives Matter & critical racist theory which the immigrants want to rape our women with. Mo knows what good is,” the failed & future führer shouted, prompting the throng estimated to be in the millions of  dozens to chant: “MO KNOWS GOOD! MO KNOWS GOOD.”