“That Guy Really Knows How To Make A Great Deal” Former Guy Tells Nazi Talk Show

Former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & failed führer Donald J. Turdwaffle called one of his favorite white supremacist talk show hosts yesterday to flex his oration muscles after a four day bout with painful constipation. Here’s an excerpt from that particular time sink that may eventually be included in The Epic Of KuklaM*A*S*H, if I ever get around to blogging his entire Alabama speech to the nimrods in our nation of miserable fucks.

“I tell you, Hugh - I can call you Hugh, right? Reminds me of a joke I forget that starts ‘Who’s you with, Hugh?’ Maybe you remember it. It was huge. Yeah, but I spoke to, and sort of the known head, but nobody was sure, but now I’m sure, and I was sure then when I was speaking to him. You know who I’m talking about.

“And I knew as soon as I spoke to him because that’s who he was. And even the introduction, I say hello, and he screamed something very tough. “Death to America,” he screamed. And I then started in with him. I said, listen, before we start the longtime conversation and conversations that we're going to have, I have to say one thing, and I'll never have to say it again to you. And here's what I say.

"If you do anything bad to the United States of America, if you do anything bad to any of our civilians, to any American citizen, or if you do anything out of the normal, you know, they’ve been fighting for a thousand years, but out of the normal, because you’ve had your wars, and if you do anything out of the normal, but anything bad to America or any American citizens, and even our brave military, I know the military better than the generals, I will hit you harder than anybody has ever been hit in the history of Earth.

"You will be hit harder than any country and any person has ever been hit in world history, in the whole universe. And we will start with the exact location and the exact town, and it’s right here on the other side of this phone. And I believe I repeated the name of his town, like Babaristan or Greenville.

"That will be the first place that we start. And I won’t be able to speak to you anymore after that, because Babaristan will be no more, everything just a bunch of dust, and isn’t that a very sad thing? But that is the story.

“And then he asked me one question, and I’d rather not repeat that question, because it’s a very scary question that I forget and no one wants to hear. But he asked me one question, and I gave him the answer yes, of course, because I am firm in my commitments.

"And then after it was all done, & we washed up, I said OK, now I’ve said what I’m going to say. Let's have a conversation. And I said we're going to be leaving after 21 years. And when we leave, you're going to leave us alone, and we're going to leave with great dignity and great honor. And we are going to take care of this situation.

“We’re going to take our sweet time and you’re going to let us. We had a date of May 1, but they missed a couple of conditions. We had some very strong conditions, Hef. I can call you Hef, right? But Sleepy Joe missed a couple of conditions.

"I wanted to be out by May 1. I had spoken to him quite a bit before May 1, but we had a condition of May 1, because I was supposed to be reinstated by then. But they missed conditions, and the Democrats stopped us from doing what I promised to the American people, and so therefore, I bombed them and we hit them very hard.

"And then we said we will agree to those conditions. I said no, you've already agreed to them. Don't play games. We had them so good. They weren't in Kabul. You take a look at when they started taking over Afghanistan. It’s when they stole the White House. When I left, that's when it started, they started going wild, because they were dealing with another president.

"And I never realized, and of course I realized the importance and power of the presidency, but I never realized how important the office of the president is until this happened, because when I watched what happened over the last week and a half with some horrible, stupid decisions that were made, number one being allowing our military to leave before the civilians and before we get all of our equipment back, $83 billion dollars.

“Boy, could I use that money now, even you could, right? And not, nobody can even comprehend that much equipment. Thousands of vehicles, thousands, you saw the list of vehicles. They even got our Teslas.”

And so ends the preamble to The Epic of KuklaM*A*S*H.