It’s Not My Fault People Listened To CDC Guidance

“Don’t shoot the messenger,” Repugnicunt Gov. DeSantis told a sparsely attended press conference at SeaWorld Friday, as news broke that Florida had allowed more than a million rapid tests in short supply  to expire in a refrigerated warehouse crammed from floor to ceiling with the unclaimed remains of elderly COVID victims.

While mayors across his shit hole state were clamboring for more PCR and rapid tests as the OMG! variant rampaged through the population in the past few months, DeSantis sat on a horde of tests acquired in mid-2020 because he said that CDC guidance discouraged testing, claiming “the tests are unreliable and were only made available to keep angry consumers happy.”

This statement was, of course, complete & total horse exhaust, but that’s reality for you. It simply refuses to be governed by One Minute Wishes.

While DeSantis ascribed the guidance against testing to CDC Drs. Anthony Fauci & Deborah Birx, his marching orders clearly came from former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & all around douchebag, Donald J. Turdwaffle, who at one point did not want to repatriate Americans from stranded cruise ships “because they’d make my numbers look bad.”

In fact, Mr Turdwaffle was still actively campaigning for reelection in October, 2020, urging his supporters to resist calls for more testing, tweeting “Cases up because we TEST, TEST, TEST. A Fake News Media Conspiracy!” The tweet is no longer available since the failed führer’s account was permanently banned, just like Doctor Faustroll’s, who plagiarized Samantha Bee’s description of the former first daught as “a feckless cunt.”

When reporters pressed DeSantis for the facts, the lying sack of shit could not cite a single instance of such guidance, instead entering the fabled Bill O’Reilly “No Spin Zone” to argue that the CDC was indeed responsible because his orders came directly from “our Commander in Chief of the CDC, himself a COVID survivor, who understood how testing, particularly the false positives, & the facts are that the number of false positives, which some say are as high as 95%, are the single largest cause for the increase of COVID cases in our country.”

Several reporters at the press conference had to be revived after collapsing from lack of oxygen, attributed to their disrespfully derisive laughter. Three were arrested for disorderly conduct & have not been seen since.