A Deal’s A Deal Says Russian Strongman, Citing Helsinki Discord

Russian dicktaster Vlad “The Impudent” Putin wasted no time after Germany & NATO slapped his dying nation with sanctions following the annexation of Eastern Ukraine late yesterday.

Putin claims he is acting under terms of the 2018 agreement he reached in Helsinki  with former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator & his mother Mary’s least favorite son, Dimwit Donald J. Turdwaffle, to prevent release of a trove of embarrassing kompromat, including the infamous Ritz-Carlton pee-pee tapes. 

According to unnamed sources close to the former KGB assassin, who spoke only on condition of asylum at an undisclosed location and placement in a global witness protection program, Putin actually owns a CE certified Kraken.

They insist that if NATO “nevertheless persists in its pigheaded insistence on lengthy speeches & continues to violate the rules our countries agreed to abide by at Helsinki, despite being warned and given ample explanation, we will have no other recourse than to unleash our Kraken with evidence that will make America’s empty heads spin like a ship of fools with a hole in the hull so big you could drive a Freedom Convoy through, sitting with both oars in the water, waiting for another trainload of shoes full of severed feet to drop.”

The exact terms of the rumored to be tastelessly artful Putin/Turdwaffle deal are protected by a likely illegal non-disclosure agreement, but the terms are widely believed to protect the planet from having to watch Turdwaffle drink urine directly from a pair of projectile trick-pissing strippers in St. Petersburg during his days as one of deceased pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s closest personal friends.