If You Don’t Support Me Today, We Can’t Get You An Incredible Nobel Peace Prize To Go With Mine

Even his most ardent admirers have grown averse to publicly voicing support for former twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and sperm donor extraordinaire to America’s New Age Kleptocracy, Dimwit Donald J. Grabito Pussolini, which is perhaps what prompted him to request openly for the first time since rigging the 2016 election for Russian help in determining whether multiple investigations will put him behind bars for the rest of his life while confiscating the entire Trump Empire for non-payment of taxes.

“If only we could play the aphasia card,” said one wag close to Pussolini, “but Bruce Willis ruined that for us, and it’s not like he can simply slap the shit out of anyone because of Will Smith’s whole shtick, so right now we’re all hoping that the war in Ukraine goes nuclear so we can complain about that for awhile.”