How Much Further Can Stupidity Expand?

The Voyager 1 spacecraft has begun sending back messages from deep space that NASA engineers are at a loss to explain.

“It’s time for dark MAGA to take control,” began one recently decoded radio burst, “I am now on a mission to expose those who say and promise one thing and yet work toward another interplanetary globalist agenda. Thou shalt have no other God before me.”

Scientists are unsure if these odd messages are part of an elaborate hoax by Tik Tok Teens to mock their quickly self-terminating elders or if it is possible no intelligent life exists in the known universe.

Of course, a few rogue pataphysicians have suggested alternative theories to explain the bizarre bursts of radio waves, including that Voyager 1 has somehow miraculously intercepted the primordial data stream from the original Big Bang ignited 6,000 years ago by that extraterrestrial idiot, Yahweh, who originally colonized Earth to make America great enough to create a very fine Jackass in our own time:

Polite society’s commitment to a binary epistemology has reduced all of human endeavor to a series of either/or solutions that ignore 96% of what makes up the universe.

Kids know that there is more to love than having everyone tell them to go with the flow and don’t rock the boat because unless things are broke, you shouldn’t try to fix them, unless you’ve already got a better-paying opportunity on another supply-side plantation. That’s why, when you ask the average preschooler anywhere in the world a “true or false" question that the smart ones will answer “or.”

Although NASA would neither confirm nor deny the accuracy of the following transcriptions we obtained from an otherwise reliable source who wished to be named by was unwilling to pay us our regular fee, here is a selection of messages received from Voyager 1 since Nov 3 2020:

“He said some really bad shit about me. These toilets. They don’t make these toilets like they used to. There was so little water that you couldn’t wash your dishes.”

“Jews will not replace us!”

“Being truly America First means rejecting the woke obsession with skin color, sexuality, and gender, and being like Me who made you in My image.”

“I like being called super intelligent. Most smart people would agree I’m very, very, very intelligent.”

“When you have a weak planet with no Space Force to command the respect of other planets, you have a very chaotic university where students are not respected for the size of their wallets.”