A Pardon Is Like Life Insurance For High-Rolling Poopadoodlers

Vulnerable GOP seditionists on the ballot in Nov 2022  today blasted the House Select Investigation into the failed coup on January 6, 2021 for “making us look like the bad guys with guns when all we did was encourage a conversation among patriotic adults.

“We were only trying to Stop The Steal, “ said one prominent Repugnicunt dressed in a formal Chewbacca costume who claimed to be Matt Gaetz while insisting we not quote him and that he would deny our meeting ever took place.

A masked caller left a message on The Clinic’s Suicide Invention Tip Line, suggested that lawmakers who participated in twice-impeached unindicted co-conspirator and what Hitler would have looked like if he had only let his inner beauty shine through, Grabito Pussolini’s insurrection obviously needed a pardon after the spectular failure their coup turned out.

One prominent emasculated Repugnicunt donor even said that he couldn’t understand how asking for a pardon from the crazy racist fat fuck should have  been seen “somehow beneath us.”

Many disinterested observors of our nation of miserable fuck’s failed experiment over the past half century to rebrand slavery as market-driven solutions were not at all shocked that Old Rummy Reagan’s supply-side plantation economy and community police state would lead directly to an elaborate faith-based Punch & Judy coup attempt with the complete knowledge and aforethought of exactly the kind of dull cretins who respond to name-calling with brilliant retorts, such as “ I know what you are, but who am I?” proving once again that irony cannot be mimed.

“Asking for a pardon is part of growing up,” said Ghislaine Maxwell, or at least we imagined she did, when we asked her why the American Nazi Party prefers being called the GOP. “You can’t always get what you want,” she continued, citing a recent Pussolini campaign rally in Toad Suck Holler.

My neighbor previewed this post in an e-mail by calling me evil and saying that if God didn’t strike me dead by midnight two days ago, there were plenty of Christians nearby willing to carry out a hit. I thanked him for his notes.

Fox News weighed in on the controversy by denying they knew what they were doing and accusing their non-viewing audience of “corruption, perdition, per diem, and perversion,” insisting that they will not be cowed by Devin Nunes’s critics.

A GOP spokeswad attempted to soothe frayed nerves of a confused, if proudly uneducated American public, insisting “they started it,” although he would offer no clarification of what he meant by “it,” exactly how “it” was started, or what were the inevitable or likely unforeseen consequences of “it” having been started, other than to say they were done being harassed by credentialed anarchic journalists for “purely political posturing.”

“Asking for a pardon,” said Sen. Ted “Schmoozer” Cruz (R-Word, TX), “is as American as stealing an apple pie from your grandma and blaming it on the Mexican gardener. If we arrested every American who asked for a pardon during the Trump administration, there wouldn’t be a Republican party to field a single candidate in November.”

“Since when is begging for a pardon the same as pleading to lesser charges?” Tweeted Rep Jim Jordan (R-Word, OH), “It’s not like you’re saying you’re willing to accept responsibility for any allegedly criminal activities for which you have not yet been charged.”

“When are they going to stop playing the democracy card,” Rep Marjoe Faylure Malaprop (R-Word, GA) complained to a Pentecostal anti-abortion rally at a Macon automated fish hatchery  across the road from a Jiffy Whiz that allows “any damn fool with a bunch of quarters  to wash their car there,” shouting “I feel your pain. That’s what you elected me to do. Not to come up with some high in the nightie plan. Life is simple. You suffer, and I feel your pain.”

And just then her battery was run over by a truck.

#PoliticsIsPoopadoodle