Banana Moon Blame Game

While the media hurries to divert your gaze from their terrible response to president* Donnie Dumbo’s teleprompter reading to a joint session of illicit Congressionaldroids last Tuesday after lunch by running a series of stories about how much better former First Idiot Fubar Dubya Bush looks now that he’s become a kind of Grampa Moses, don’t forget that he wasn’t even a zircon in the rough during his days as Pretender in Chief.

Bush Blames Gore for Economic Woes

ANTWERP (YU) — While his handlers made frantic calls for guidance on how to repair the damage done by his latest assertion that France should change its underpants to prevent the spread of foot and mouth disease, President Goober W. Bush addressed a gathering of atmospheric scientists here on global warming. 

Reading a worn page from the imaginary wisdom of former president Flipper Reagan, Bush blamed alarming increases in greenhouse gases on cow flatulence, stalled timber sales and coal mining moratoriums in wilderness areas. He also complained that the European Union hasn't been doing enough to fight crime and drug use in America's inner cities.

On Monday, Bush countered charges that he had the economic savvy of a warthog by asking for a dictionary. He then complained bitterly that people were using foreign words and said he hated meetings with subtitles.

Bush was also disappointed to discover that the Louvre wasn't a factory where they make hood scoops for turbocharged Fords, but he reserved his greatest displeasure for being informed that the Vatican, Berlin, Gibraltar, and Paris weren't located in Belgium. 

When asked if he had an opinion on what precipitated the worldwide economic collapse that began shortly after he stole the American election last November, Bush declined to speculate, but did mention that his chief economic advisors, like Fed Charwoman Norman Greenbaum, had told him about something called Mad Dow disease which turns the brains of investors into the consistency of grits and makes them unable to give the correct change at toll booths.

During a brief question and answer period following a T-ball game in Amsterdam to commemorate the DVD special edition release of Saving Private Ryan, Bush directed several hundred people to the wrong restroom.

Although he later told reporters he was just joking, Bush at one point expressed disgust with former vice president Al Gore for inventing pornography and putting it on the Internet. “That is the single most evil thing that has brought about our morass and wanting it to the point where we expend our vital fluidific energy whereupon it and resulting you know in whatever, but that Gore, let me tell you, what can I say?” 

The Bush administration now employs signers who don't understand ASL whenever the President attempts to speak.

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Posted Saturday, June 09, 2001